I’ve been around this block a few times, and I’ve picked up a few tricks. Not a lot, but a few.
I’ve watched my world crumble and I’ve rebuilt my life brick by brick more than once. My hands are callused and skillful, like a craftsman that creates masterpieces from blank slabs of marble.
All of the adages that used to make me roll my eyes are the pillars of my personal manifesto. It feels good to be living a cliche.
For example:
🌸 I know that I can’t pour from an empty cup, so I fill my cup.
🌸 I know that rest is productive, so I slow down when my body gives me the signal.
🌸 I know that emotions like joy and pleasure are signs that I am on the right track, so I follow them.
Sure, there are still ups and downs, but I know how to navigate them more confidently and the rollercoasters are not as intense as they used to be.
Things are going so well. Amazing even.
So why do I have this nagging feeling that the other shoe is about to drop? Why do I still have a low buzz anxious energy running through my body?
It’s because I am learning how to operate in the world from an entirely new setpoint. I am cultivating a new baseline. There is a new normal. I need time to adjust.
Manifestation is real. I am beginning to understand how to focus my energy and intentions to welcome a consciously created reality. Woohoo! 🎉
I am so thankful for the way my life is right now, yet I still have trouble relaxing into the sweetness.
No one talks about the phase that happens after you achieve your dreams. There is an openness on the other side of my goals that feels very unsettling and unsafe.
After one particularly intense phase of healing, I remember telling my therapist that I felt so raw like my whole body had just gotten waxed. It seemed like every nerve I had was exposed and tender. Like if you bumped into me on accident, it would irritate my skin and I wouldn’t be able to soothe my overloaded system.
Yet, this is what I wanted. This is why I was there. I felt clear, refreshed, and new.
There is an uncomfortable paradox that was waiting for me on the other side of the emotions I had been working so hard to repress. Pleasure AND discomfort.
As far as I can tell, there are 3 main reasons why this raw and tender phase is challenging for me. I know that my journey is never complete, and there may be more to add to my list as I continue, but this feels true right now.
There is one thing I do know for certain. Self-care is the cure for everything.
Let’s go.
Grief for the old way
The “old way” was no longer working for me. That’s why I chose to make changes. I simply couldn’t tolerate feeling exhausted, edgy, and scared any longer.
I was ready to be done nursing my victim stories. I was ready to see what forgiveness looked like. I needed to live my life.
The problem is, the old way is familiar. As human beings, we are wired to seek comfort. The old way, even though it fucking sucks, is comfortable.
The old way got me pretty far. Even though I needed a new way, I had to learn not to vilify the past version of me that was doing what she needed to survive. She had limited coping skills, but she was willing to learn a new way…and here we are!
It’s super uncomfortable to give up your security blanket, even if it is full of holes and has started growing mold.
I had to make it ok to feel grief for my old life. I had to be willing to be in the uncomfortable emotions that arose as I was letting go and not make myself “wrong” for having the attachment to my out dated coping strategies.
I tell myself, “I am feeling grief for my old life AND I love myself.”
It helps to acknowledge that I am ready for something new while feeling grief and loss at the same time.
Building the trust muscle
A big part of my personal development journey has been building up my trust muscle. I have had to learn to trust myself, trust my intuition, trust the Universe, and trust my family and friends.
There has been a very conscious battle between my inner Pollyanna and my inner Scrooge. Recognizing that the mistrustful and overcautious (maybe even paranoid) part of me is only trying to protect me has been a game changer.
Pessimism is a tricky bitch, and it gobbles up energy like Pac-Man on a rampage. Have you noticed that once you have one negative thought, it seems to instantly snowball?
We can have a million things go right, but we zero in on the one thing that is going wrong, and before we know it, that one wrong thing has a football stadium full of wrong thing buddies hanging out and wreaking havoc.
What has helped me build trust is actively looking for the things that are going right.
This is not as easy as it seems! I remind myself that I have figured out 100% of the things that needed figuring out so far. That’s a pretty good track record.
Gratitude lists are great tools (remember, I love being a living cliche). Gratitude shows the Universe that I see the good and I have nice positive, high-vibe feelings about what I have.
Sharing my abundance with others is another way to develop trust. When I give, I trust that more is on the way.
Receiving with grace is evidence that I am willing to accept the natural flow of energy. When someone blesses me with the opportunity to receive, I am allowing the things that I desire to come to me.
See? Trust.
Navigating new relationships
As I began to show up differently in my life, the people I love the most began to notice the changes in me.
Some rocky relationship re-negotiations had to happen because my values were shifting. Sure, I was more clear than ever about what is important to me and what I want, but the people that have known me the longest had to get used to the new and improved version of me.
I had more than one sleepless night worrying that I would be rejected if I started taking care of myself, setting boundaries, and embracing change.
Blossoming into a new version of myself meant that I had to let go of the old relationships that weren’t able to grow with me. It was scary. I had to fully commit to my growth above all else.
Some relationships fell away, and that was sad. The most important relationships were able to make it through the growing pains and come with me. Now they are even stronger and more fulfilling than ever because they are based on a truer me.
It is more fun to share myself with people I love when I’m not censoring my thoughts or dampening my magic.
Genuine connection requires that you dare to face rejection, which is a fun irony, isn’t it?
Growth is uncomfortable and that’s ok
All this to say, if you still feel bad even when everything is going right, it doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you.
You are a human going through some complicated emotions….AND you love yourself.
Take care of yourself. Be gentle. Surrender.
Remember, you are gaining tools and skills every day.
You are filling all the cups.
You are resting all the rest.
You are feeling all the feels.
You are exactly where you are supposed to be. If you need support, please reach out.
XOXO-
Amanda
Wanna stay in touch? I send out an email newsletter with journal prompts and reflection questions at each new moon and full moon. Plus, I will give you my Self-Care Menu PDF as a little bonus.
If you want to support my work and my coffee habit, you can do so here. ✌️
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