Nothing compares to a woman who has chosen freedom, radical pleasure, and self-love
It’s ok for sex to be a sensual experience.
On the surface, that might seem obvious. But, as people who were raised in female bodies, we receive a bounty of confusing messages about sex.
We want to appear willing but not too eager.
We want to appear confident but not too experienced.
We want to be the perfect blend of angel and devil, just the right amount of naughty.
By the time we get around to having sex, it feels more like a performance than a pleasurable experience.
Movies, television, and pornography are our only reference points. Sex is rarely portrayed as a deeply sensual act that involves all of the senses. We are led to believe that breasts and genitals rule the day. We should be instantly aroused and ready to go at a moment’s notice.
In the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, I learned that, although some people experience arousal spontaneously, that isn’t true for everyone. Some people are wired with what she calls “responsive desire”. We need something arousing to respond to and then we decide whether or not we want to go all in.
There is an endless supply of life-changing information in that book, but this was meaningful to me because it helped me understand that there was nothing wrong with me. A quick boob grab has never sent my panties flying and it’s because my turn-on is more of a simmer than a bonfire. When I tried to emulate what I saw in the media and only ended up confused and frustrated.
Once I discovered the key to unbounded pleasure and erotic freedom, I came back to life. I was a thirsty houseplant on the brink of death. I just needed a good watering to return to full glory.
Now, I allow pleasure to find me through all of my senses. Sex has become a whole body experiment. There are parts of my body that I didn’t know wanted to come out and play (like the inner crease of my elbow…sigh).
If you want a piece of this magic, allow me to offer some of what I’ve discovered so far.
Bringing sexy back to sensual
Having a mind-blowing sensual experience involves some prep work.
Those of us who experience responsive desire tend to get caught up in our heads and might find it difficult to fully drop into our bodies. Set up your environment to be soothing and distraction-free. If you can, get a babysitter, put the dog outside, and turn off the ringer on your phone.
If you are feeling extra adventurous, a blindfold is a great way to tune out the external stimuli and tune in to the complex and various sensations in your body.
Life gets complicated and most of us have a variety of people and obligations competing for our attention. I’m describing a best-case scenario, so if you can’t go all the way, just try a few things and see what works for you.
Touch
Engage your sense of touch by adding a variety of pleasing textures to your surroundings. What feels good to you?
Try a silk robe, freshly washed sheets, or a soft and fuzzy blanket. Run your hands over each surface. Feel your skin. Run your fingers through your hair. Take your time appreciating how your partner’s body feels.
Sight
Eliminate visual distractions. Set your environment up to reflect the beauty that you want to experience.
Surround yourself with objects that you love. Give yourself the space to take in the curves of your body and appreciate all that you have going on. If you are with a partner, what do you appreciate about their body or appearance?
Smell
What are your favorite smells?
Do you have a luxurious bath oil that whisks away your stress? I am a huge fan of essential oils. Lavender is always a favorite because it helps me relax and get out of my head and into my body. Spend some time in the candle section and pick out something that smells divine.
Taste
Taste is a fun sense to incorporate into your sexy time.
Make yourself a beautiful meal and allow the time and space to appreciate the textures, smells, and tastes. Foreplay can always begin at dinner (or breakfast, or snack time *wink, wink*).
Try feeding your partner juicy fruit or chocolate.
Sound
Now is the time for a thoughtfully curated playlist. What kind of music turns you on?
Music is a great tool to help free your other senses from distractions. Sound is part of the sensual experience, not only through listening but through allowing sounds of pleasure to escape your body.
Who doesn’t love a moan of pleasure and appreciation in the bedroom? Breaking down barriers to pleasure
One of the biggest barriers to a satisfying sex life is that it can be challenging to become fully present in your body. This is something that gets easier the more you consciously practice engaging all of your senses.
It’s important to remember, that if you are struggling with letting go and dropping into your body completely, it’s not because you are bad at sex or because you are doing anything wrong.
You have layers of habits and conditioning that make fully engaging with your body and discovering pleasure a new skill that you are learning. Give yourself permission to be a beginner. Take your time as you venture into new territory. Allow this to be fun.
Your body is a wonderful gift and it can be your partner and ally. We are taught to hate our bodies and to look at them as inconvenient. We are taught that they are for the enjoyment of others and that it is our responsibility to mold and shape our bodies to be pleasing to partners and potential mates.
We are rarely encouraged to take ownership of our bodies for the sake of self-love and acceptance.
Things are different now. We don’t need anyone’s permission to come home to our bodies. We never did.
A good place to start is by experimenting with engaging your senses to become fully present in your body.
Nothing compares to a woman who has chosen freedom, radical pleasure, and self-love.
Wanna stay in touch? I send out an email newsletter with journal prompts and reflection questions at each new moon and full moon. Plus, I will give you my Self-Care Menu PDF as a little bonus.
If you want to support my work and my coffee habit, you can do so here.
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